How to Listen

I’ve always had a weakness for shiny, sparkly girl friends.  The ones with so much charisma that everyone turns to sneak a look at them when they walk in a room. Usually, I am their foil: quieter, less flashy, grounded. I don’t intentionally seek these friends out, but I’m drawn to them. Almost hypnotized.  Secretly, I hope some of their magic might rub off on me. 

I know the reasons they like having me around. I make them look good, and I listen. Which is important, because in my experience, this type does a lot of talking.  

When I had friends like this growing up, I told myself I didn’t have much to say. Plus, I had this belief that there was only so much space for words in the world, so I’d gladly donate my portion to the one with the most sparkles. Gladly, until I woke up to how NOT not reciprocal these friendships were.  Once it became clear that as much as I listened, my shiny new friend didn’t ever really listen to me, it was time to move on. 

We’ve all known people who aren’t great listeners. When you speak to them, you get the sense that they’re busy thinking about lunch or planning the next thing out of their mouth. Whatever’s on their mind, you’re sure it’s got nothing to do with you. Your suspicions get validated the next time they open their mouth. It always feels like crap. This type of self-absorbed listening, where the person’s focus is on themselves and their own thoughts, is often called Internal Listening. If you ask me, it should really be called Not Listening.   

There are more refined forms of listening that lead to actual connections, deeper conversations. 

One is Listening to Understand, and this is what most of us do -- or try to do-- day to day. Here, the attention is on the other person as you gather information and try to get where the other person is coming from. Questions like “when did that happen?” and “how did you get out of that situation?” usually follow. While deeper than Internal Listening, it’s still happening from the neck up. 

The third and deepest level of listening is known as Global Listening, in which you’re attending to what’s being said, and also what you sense. You’re using your intuition, feeling energy, and paying close attention to what’s not being said, too. It’s a less heady and more embodied experience and can feel like flow. This third level-- where I sometimes see images and get a hit of a gut feeling-- is what I use to do my best work with clients.  Here, listening and responding becomes a dance, and insights arise through the creation of unexpected connections. 

What’s perhaps more vital than how we listen to others is how we listen to the voices within. Author and poet David Whyte says “We need to overhear the tiny but very consequential things we say that reveal ourselves to ourselves.” 

How to develop the skill? Slow down and listen. The word has the exact same letters in it as the word silent.  Start by quieting your voice.  Then move on to quieting your mind. Put your attention first on the other person, then on the other. Widen your ear to include what’s not being said. Then listen to how you listen.  And repeat, repeat, repeat.

Imagine your heart is an ear and listen with love. If I could go back in time and offer something to those shiny, sparkly girlfriends, it would be that.